Zig-a-zig-agghhhhh the 90s are back

We all know that fashion decade trends make a comeback, I didn't bat an eyelid when 70s(?) gypsy clothes came in, or 80s (leggings are now a staple) but 90s. Woah. Hold on. Shut the front door. I'm 29 and it is TOO SOON. When an era is "in" it comes back as a sanitised version leaving the terrible parts where they belong, in the past. I stepped into Miss Selfridge the other day and it looked like frigging Bay Trading. No one wants a return of that.

Trust me I loved the 90s. I am all over the RnB comeback, love spaghetti strap tops and if a channel could play repeats of Streetmate, Live & Kicking and Gladiators I'd be happy as Larry. But quite frankly this trend has gone too far. Here are just a few things that I've noticed have comeback....

1. Scrunchies

I noticed this on my recent travels that girls would wear mega high ponytails with scrunchies. I know they think they are dead fashionable and cool, and I've faced the cold hard facts that they probably are. But my inner voice was just screaming, "Pffftt I was all over that s*** in 1997 when I WAS Sporty Spice."  Which leads nicely onto...

2. Sports clothes

Back in the 90s it was cool to wear sports get up when you had absolutely zero intention of any exercise. Thankfully that trend has since passed. That is until I counted THREE MEN wearing Ellesse t-shirts in one weekend. Ellesse?!! Yes Ellesse that peaked in the mid-90s. I remember someone bought my brother red Ellesse trainers as his very first pair of shoes. The now equivalent of Nikes or Converse, for a 1 year old. You might as well just light a match to forty quid because they'll get approximately three wears of them before they're covered in food/crayons and grown out of. Anyway, where were we. Sports stuff for non sports activities. No. No. NO. Hopefully Ali-G will also come back to remind us Reebok ain't cool. Also come bonfire night it was an enormous fire hazard with that much flammable fabric. Let's just hope and pray that poppers don't come back. And no I don't mean drugs, I mean trackie bottoms with press studs down the outside of each leg. Need I say more.

3. Denim, denim, more denim. 

I went to a pub in Shoreditch last weekend. You can only imagine. It was like Bewitched meets NSync on acid. Denim was everywhere. Oversized jackets, dungarees, dresses, shirts you name it. Even white denim is back. Denim is a classic look, don't get me wrong, I'm not burning all my jeans. But probs worth checking with your mates you don't look like you're off to a rodeo. And that they're not wearing denim too so you don't actually resemble a 90s boyband.

Photo taken from style.mtv.com 

4. Jelly shoes

Yup. Really. Back. Someone was high as a kite when they invented these bad boys but I used to love these with frilly socks. I'm pretty sure anyone over the age of 13 is too old for these which is why I keep seeing them in bargain bins in clothes shops. Not that I've been tempted or anything. Ahem.

5. Crop tops

Way back when I was 8, me and all my mates went to Redcar high street and bought crop tops with the coca cola logo on. We thought we were the actual bollocks. Matching crop tops?!! We OWNED that high street. And worryingly consumerism had got the better of us already, though I'm pretty sure at 50p each they weren't official Coca-Cola merchandise. And now crop tops are back in a big way. So. Much. Belly. AGH. But it's like chocolate covered pretzels, I just can't decide how I feel about them. I decided I'm just about slim and (look) young enough to carry one off (though my inner self is going PAHAHA, who are you kidding). Too late, I bought one. But obviously I'm not going the whole belly-button-out hog and can just about stomach (teehee, see what I did there) about 2 inches of upper midriff showing so wear it with high waisted stuff. That's how Taylor Swift rolls and she dictates cool right now. Plus I'm doing it whilst still in my twenties* (*ok just). And obviously I'm hoping this trend dies out as quick as wearing silk pjs in public did. In fact I'm not sure this ever came in, just Rihanna did it once and Grazia said it was a thing. (It wasn't).

Since this 90s comeback isn't going anywhere I guess I'm forced to embrace it... I'm off down to the charity shops to find some Boyzone cassette tapes, Spice girls wedge shoes and a choker. It's vintage innit. 

I found a Polaroid from 1996 whilst hunting for embarrassing photos of my brother (the one blocking my outfit) but you can just make out I'm wearing a crop top with a denim dress and silver glittery jelly shoes and my friend Vicki is wearing Adidas joggers. An explosion of cool. 

Darwin's land... The Galapagos and a smidge of Ecuador

Día veintitres, Pasto to Quito, crossing the Colombian/Ecuadorian border

Big day today, the border crossing! AKA one epic faff. I naively assumed there'd be a cash point (didn't work) or an exchange place (non existent) when I got to Ecuador. Gagh. I had to find a cambio man and make sure the dollars were real, not making the classic car booty fail. Once in Quito I attempted to navigate the local bus system. ERROR. But, 5 buses, 3 taxis and 12 hours later I arrived at my hostel.

Which was one of the worst hostels I've ever been to. My "room" has a tin roof, there's cold showers - it ain't no Caribbean coast temperates. It [Vibes hostel] was recommended to me by some guys I met briefly, who must've hated me. I met some cool people though and had an Ecuadorian dinner/tea not before asking the owner if he had any recommendations,"There's some s*** round the corner." Cheers mate.

I didn't go out out as later got a lovely bout of food poisoning and spent most of the night throwing up. Not fun on a top bunk. Nor was it sitting next to the bathroom as a couple were getting friendly at 5am in the communal lounge. Well glad to hear someone's having fun. Oh and my airline have sent me an email to say my flight to Galápagos has been cancelled. Whaaa.

Día veinticuatro, Quito

Today was a right off. After getting the gossip about the night before and sorting out my Galápagos flight I moved to another hostel (Revolution). Which was, thankfully, heavenly. I slept under one of those cosy Bolivian blankets most of the day and a bunch of us watched a film- Mazerunners (I'm still confused about this btw) but just what I needed.

Día veinticinco, Quito

Feeling lots better phew, though nothing a few local buses can't help bring back the queasy feeling. Me and Katharine (a girl I met on Friday) go to the Equator! It was a mish to get to and a bit of an anticlimax but we had a laugh. There's an impressive monument, Mitad del Mundo (the middle of the world) dedicated to the French expedition that in 1736 deemed it latitude 0° 0’ 0. Then with the advent of GPS turns out the real spot is 240m north of here.... awkward.

Tomorrow s***s going down as I'm going to the Galápagos aghh!

Día veintiseis, Quito to Santa Cruz, Galápagos Islands

I'm up at 4am for my flight. SO excited! It's like a mini holiday within a holiday. You have to pay $120 at the airports before you've even done anything. Eeshh. This is a huge tour/cruise place so I feel like a tramp with my backpack. The taxi driver can't find where I'm staying and I may have come close to tears and suddenly he calls his pals and found it. Being an emotional wreck certainly does come in handy in some situations.

I've lots to cram in in five days but a guy I met did me an itinerary which was SO helpful so I waste no time in going to Tortuga Bay (Tortuga=turtle in Espanõl) The 45 minute walk there was bizarre, it was so noisy. Birds and lizards everywhere. I was baffled as I've never been anywhere in the world where birds don't fly away if you go near them apart from the scally ones (pigeons and seagulls). The wildlife own this place more than I like to own a dancefloor.

Once I get to the Tortuga Bay it's surreal, glowing blue sea and sky, and white sand. I stumbled across a fat old marine iguana and got so excited then I saw about thirty of them under a tree. Round the corner I see... Nowt. Clue is in the title of this beach right?!! No turtles anywhere. Hmmmff. Yeah it's a gorge beach and I have a cheeky swim but whatevs I wanna see a turtle.

Día veintisiete, Santa Cruz y Isabela island

Up bright and early and off to Ranchas di Primisia, a turtle ranch. Or tortoises, I'm not sure what the difference is. If I don't see Raphael, Donatello, Leonardo and/or Michaelangelo I'm kicking off. I get a taxi there and they wait for you or to come back but this bloke is dead friendly and just comes with me, fair enough, I'm pretty cool. We don wellies and go trudging round in the mud and jackpot, turtles!! Some are smaller (females) but my fave is huge and having a nap. My taxi man, Angel (apparently a standard South American name- they must love Buffy here) tells me he's probs 110 years old and about 230kgs! I also went to a lava tunnel which is pretty average and I'm not even sure if it's the right one, maybe he just wants to get back and catch up on Buffy episodes.

After I got a water-taxi or otherwise known as a boat (they do things like this to confuse people like me) and do quick hike (or longer if you get lost ahem) to Las Grietas - volcanic crevices where the porous stone allows water to filter down from the highlands so the water is lush. Really beautiful and refreshing to swim in after the sweaty walk to get there.

That afti I got a ferry to Isabela island. "Ferry" my arse. It was a tiny boat and you spend most of the 2 hour journey either feeling or being sick. Isabela island is the biggest one (and where the most recent volcanic eruption happened) but the town there is lovely- a lot smaller, less touristy and has sandy streets. I met lots of people that night and went a barbie on the beach. Which sounds cool but there were way too many hangry (hungry+angry) people for food and I had the tiniest pork sarnie at 10pm. The woman running it was off her rocker and that night got her first two tattoos from a random bloke there so probably shouldn't have trusted she was the best host.

Día veintiocho, Isabela

I did a day tour to Los Tuneles (the tunnels- my Spanish is getting good). We got a boat to huge lava rock formations with cacti on, perfect for blue footed boobies to nest (birds but I still giggle at this every time). We go to an area to snorkel and jump off the boat and everyone's swimming like flipping dolphins. Me on the other hand who last did snorkelling in the Great Barrier Reef in I think 2007? I'm just flapping about. My flippers appear to be preventing me from swimming and I basically go blind, choke and drown in sea water every time I try to snorkel. Some bloke takes pity on me and shows me what to do and I've soon got the hang of it, phew. The water is shallow and I see lots of beautiful fish and straight away huge SEA TURTLES! I didn't have a camera as only brought my phone here but I loved it so much and took in the experience more rather than trying to get the perfect video/photo. We also saw a seahorse and a penguin, but no one goes to the aquarium for a seahorse. The guide took us to a cave and he pushes you under the cave and I see about FOUR sharks. YES!! This is what I'm talking about. They're white-tipped and don't bite in case you're thinking I'm hard as. As I was swimming round the other side of the cave a shark swam past me!! I'm buzzing after this.

That afti a bunch of us chilled at the beach and everyone gets excited about sea lions which I think are pretty ugly and slimy. Are they in the UK as I'm pretty sure I've seen loads before?! I also had a few cocktails because y'know, I almost got eaten alive by a shark today.

Día veintinueve, Isabela to Santa Cruz

I decide to do my own thing and go explore and hire a mountain bike. The bloke at the shop tells me the straight forward route and how to work a bike, pfft I'm all good ta. Off I go and the bloke comes after me on his moped(?!) to tell me I've gone the wrong way through the gears and I'm about to turn the wrong way. Good one Soph. Once on the right path I go to a turtle breeding centre. As they used to be hunted and the introduction of humans along with goats, donkeys, dogs, cats killing them, they also breed them in captivity to keep the population going. I hear a really weird loud groaning noise and see two mating. Ha! Then I cycled to a lake and saw bright pink flamingos! Like real life Flamingo Land without getting eaten by wasps! (A theme park in north east England in case you're not lucky enough to have been.)

Then I do the cycle route through the beach, wetlands and forest. It takes a good few hours and it's mainly uphill but there was lots of small paths that take you to various wildlife bits. Near the end there's a load of steps you can climb up. I was a mountain of sweat after cycling in the heat but the view was well worth it. I felt insignificant amongst the never-ending sea of green and I have one of those moments where you think life is pretty sweet.

At the end of my cycle route is the the Wall of Tears built 1945-1959 by prisoners in the penal colony on the island, many died during it's construction. Bit dark. But I saw a turtle too! The way back was SO much fun. Basically all downhill and impossible to stick to the 20mph speed limit. Rebel innit. I don't think I killed any rare species en route anyway.

I got a boat back to Santa Cruz (the main island), and at the lovely lodge I stayed at the first night and my new mate I made on Isabela, Juan from Madrid, is next door. He's hilarious so it's nice to spend my last night in the Galápagos having a good laugh and gossip.

Día treinta, Galápagos to Quito

I have just enough time to visit the Charles Darwin research centre and see the other iguana species native to Galápagos which were a yellowy orange. I also visited Los Gemelos, two giant volcanic craters. I was so sad to leave as I've barely scratched the surface of this magical, heavenly, beautiful place ... AND I finally have a tan!! Gah. I think the gods took my wish too literally as my flight was delayed and I was stuck at the tiny airport for five hours. Blugh. I read a good book though (Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed) and balled my eyes out in the airport.

Día treinta y uno, Quito to Baños

I want to see a bit more of Ecuador so along with a German couple I met get on a bus south from Quito to a town called Baños. No not named after toilets as I thought but called baths from all the thermal springs. I met some lovely Canadian girls, Mel and Cass, in my room as well as two lads who were the real life Dumb and Dumber. Fresh out of boarding school on a gap yah and had the common sense of a potato. They wanted to know how to ask for tap water (not necessary unless you want a dodgy belly), didn't know who Che Guevara was, asked us the same inane questions and when I told them don't put your small bags under your seat on the bus met with a look of confusion, "People WILL steal your stuff" ... "Really, but we've got a lock"... "Yeah, they have knives. Also looks like you've got something to steal." Pretty sure they will be on the news soon accidentally smuggling coke because they thought it was flour.

Día treinta y dos, Baños

Baños is the adventure town of Ecuador and Cassie and Mel are keen to do some ziplining so I tag along. None of us really know what it entails but I'm imagining ziplining round some trees. I wasn't imagining an enormous canyon and hurtling towards a cliff face at 80mph but it was so much fun. Then things got weird. We had to walk across a suspension bridge which was had big gaps between the steps. I was terrified but slowly did it despite a guide jumping on the other end making it sway. You can make out on the video me smiling through gritted teeth saying I will kill this bloke. Then we have to do "a short climb" to the next zipline. Now when someone says climb I'm thinking a hike, NOT climbing up a f***ing cliff face with metal rings on for 20 metres. I had to do some proper yoga breaths to get through this. Cassie was first and I was second, at the end we've a few steps to go and she summed the whole experience up perfectly, "So... today has escalated quickly." I laugh deliriously and my heart is racing like I've had five jägerbombs. Never have I craved a G&T so much by 11am.

That afternoon we get a taxi to the edge of the world swing -  a treehouse with a swing on with a  mountainous view. The swing isn't quite as safe as I thought and the treehouse is actually at the edge of a steep hill so if you did fall off it wouldn't be pretty but after this morning nothing's fazing me. We were naughty and went on it twice it was so much fun.

Día treinta y tres, Baños to Quito

It's raining cats and dogs, so what better excuse to gatecrash Cass and Mel's plans to go a spa. Once we arrive the bloke first have to do a walk around the grounds barefoot with various instructions to get rid of negative energy- scream at the hills, hold hands and then hug it out. It sounded really wanky but it turned out to be a good laugh. Then we got in steam boxes, literally a box with steam and you leave your head out. We didn't have our cossies with us so they lent us some that I think had been made for 12 year olds and put on 100degree wash so the only thing that made it less relaxing was coming close to flashing a bum cheek and/or nipple. Every 5 minutes you get out and have buckets of ice cold water thrown over you and get in an ice cold bath. Brrrr. After we had lovely hot stone massages and definitely don't feel like I'm backpacking though it´s a fraction of what it'd cost at home.

That afternoon we bussed it back to Quito and I met up with my mate Owen finally!

Día treinta y cuatro, Baños to Quito

So Owen has already done a few things and neither of us were sure what to do in Quito so go up the Teleferico (the cable car). It had a depressingly empty theme park and at the top you could do a volcano walk but neither of us can be arsed. That afti we brave the markets and attempt to buy pressies for our families but instead end up buying huge alpaca blankets. Whoops. This should be fun cramming it in my already full backpack. We had a lazy night and watched a Liam Neeson film- Non-stop which was fun but defied a lot of logic and physics.

Día treinta y cinco, Quito to Bogota

Owen is off to the Galapagos islands (well jeal) so I do a walking tour of Quito which is pretty cool. I do zone out a bit and my main memory was the 19th century Ecuadorian president was killed by machetes for shagging some bloke's wife. We went to the food market and I finally had cerviche here which was delish! Then I fly back to Bogota via Viva Colombia (owned by RyanAir) who charge me $15 to check in and hand make me a boarding pass. I arrived to my hostel though and I'm reunited with a towel I lost here on my first day in Colombia ohh yeah!

Día treinta y cinco, Bogota to London baby

So it's my last day!! Let's hope I don't jinx it and get robbed or kidnapped in my last few hours here. I haven't been away long and whilst I'm sad to come back I'm looking forward to wearing make up, not staying in a Homer Simpson sunken in bunk bed and eating something other than plantain. 

Ta to everyone for reading and thanks to everyone I've met along the way who've made my time so much more fun. I'm so glad I made a trip to the magical Galápagos Islands... even though I first had no idea they were part of Ecuador (pretty sure I should get a refund on my geography degree.)

Ciao amigos X

For more photos and the tortoise mating video if you're as mature as me my Instagram is @sophiebennett1

Last leg of Colombia

Día catorce, Medellin

I felt rather swish as I got a flight to Medellin from the coast and avoided a 14 hour bus and got a sweet view. The city is pretty developed for Colombia, it has a Metro! Turns out there's a football match on - Cali vs Nacional (a Medellin team). I was jealous of my family off to see Boro at Wembley (though we know how that turned out :-s ) so I was excited to see some footie. Getting into the stadium was a mish, lots of security, no bags, no flags... Yet inside it stank of weed?! No clue how people managed that. The atmosphere was brill - drums, singing, banners, dancing... Just my luck we were directly opposite this lot (season ticket holders doh). Our area was a lot more chilled, or stoned, but the match was good, 3-3, so the goals got people going. There was a crowd near us all shirtless (sadly no David Beckham lookalikes-sob) who sang and jumped non-stop and a column of police penned them in. We assumed these were away fans but chatting to a Colombian guy turns out there are no Cali away fans allowed after last time a huge fight erupted after the match and someone was murdered and also set fire to their bus and the fans either burnt or stabbed. Oh. Awkward. The shirtless guys are just the poorer Nacional fans who started fights so they moved them from the rest. I wonder how they separate them, "One ticket for the topless stabby zone please!"

Día quince, Medellin

The area my hostel is in (Poblado) feels safe and it's a nice temperature, apparently Medellin is the "City of eternal spring" (or the peak of British summer at 25 degrees). So I went for a run! I was very excited about this, so much so that I fell over and added some grazes and bruises to the mix, nice one Soph. I met two lads at the footie, Tom and Kieran, who bought motorbikes in Chile and have been driving them up South America, pretty cool and somewhat dangerous given how people drive here (no comments on my driving please). We wander Medellin and go up a metro owned cable car which you would think would take you to the top but it ended up going into dense forest for a worryingly long time. Genuinely might be going into FARC territory. Blatantly conning tourists into going into the abyss subsidies the rest of the Metro. After I went to the huge Botanical gardens and I saw an enormous iguana, jackpot! That night I freaked out as SOMEHOW I'm head to toe covered in bites (I'm on 80+). No one else has and then some bright spark tells me they're bedbugs. Oh. ARSE. Knowing they're bed bugs makes me want to scratch my own skin off with a Brillo pad. Shudder. This girl wouldn't stop banging on about bedbugs and did I want to see her scars? Oh yeah!! Because that's gonna make me feel better. How about bore off. I did laundry and told the hostel, luckily the girl on reception spoke English even though I was prepared to act out bed bugs biting me. 

Día dieciseis, Medellin to Salento

So I was meant to do a walking tour this morning but I bailed as I realised I wouldn't get to my next town before dark (a key safety factor, I'm not actually Cinderella- though I did have 2 stepsisters at one point). The tour was mainly about Pablo Escobar (politician then cocaine warlord) ruling the city. Basically Medellin became the coke capital and a war zone for most of the 80s, a lot of violence and murders. Escobar was shot down by police on a rooftop in Medellin in 1993 and a load of investment the city is now one of the safest places in Colombia. 

I know is this a blog or a free history lesson, you are welcome. I'm guessing that's the gist of the 4 hour tour anyhow. Kinda makes sense my parents were bricking it about me coming to Colombia. It's like me having kids and in a few decades them saying "Hey I'm going travelling round Afghanistan!" Not to say Colombia is safe now but I've avoided a mugging or kidnapping so far- high 5. Anyway I bussed it to my next destination Salento, well they threw me out on the middle of the highway to Armenia and showed me which bus to get to Salento (a small village) and I made it before dark. Whoop. 

Día diecisiete, Salento 

I love this place! Proper village feel, kids playing on the street and lots of animals. Still wary of the dogs don't you worry. Me and a couple I met, Becki and Chris, go for a walk to a small coffee farm, Don Elias. There's a really old guy who is so adorable I want him to be my Colombian granddad. The guy hat gives us a tour has spent most of his life in New Jersey so he says cwaaffee! I know nowt about coffee so am intrigued by the whole thing. My fave facts: 

1. Coffee isn't indigenous to Colombia! News to me. It came from Africa when the Spanish brought slaves over. 

2. You can rarely find good coffee in Colombia as government regulations mean most of it is exported at a set price though they get to keep more locally as it's organic and in a tourist area. 

3. (My fave), the crap coffee beans they still kept in another pile and sold to Nescafé! 

There's no gas in the village this weekend so we went out and had the classic Salento dish, Trucha! Trout fyi. In case you're interested Colombian food is pretty nondescript and bland- rice, meat/fish, fried plantain (with EVERY meal in various forms), beans if you're lucky. They seem to never eat veg though fruit is in abundance. 

Then we played the almighty Tejo!, a traditional Colombian game with a clay pit with mechas (triangles) you have to hit with a tejo (a big rock). The USP is the triangles are filled with gunpowder so if you hit it with enough force they explode! We got stupidly addicted and if it wasn't for the whole lack of health and safety and every 5 minutes you think there's a terrorist attack I'm sure it'd be huge elsewhere.  

Día dieciocho, Valle de Cocorra 

Time for a hike to see the tallest palm trees in the world! We got jeeps to the valley and I met a load more people including the lads I did my paragliding with. It's about 5 hours and the way up was so steep, by the time we reached the top of the mountain it was so high and the view was mainly, well, clouds. Still I did it! Right at the end and bottom of the route you see the palm trees. So basically you don't have to do the hike to see them. And now I'm a sweaty mess for photos. But a great walk still and the trees tower over at an average of 50m so an incredible sight. 

That night - more Trucha and tejo! Though the combo of wine and hiking meant our tejo efforts were pretty, well poor. Oh and despite me slathering on moisturiser like it's butter on a crumpet my skin is peeling off big time from sunburn last week. Yup. My body has literally turned into a CHICKEN. My hopes of going home looking healthy are at this point as likely as Kim and Kanye naming their new baby Barry. 

Día diecinueve, Salento to Popayan

Another bus day! 7 hours. Obviously the one day I wanted to follow the playoffs I had no wifi. I arrived at Popayan which is known as the "White City" nothing to do with people before anyone jumps to racism just a colonial town with lots of white buildings. 

Día veinte, Coconuco 

I woke up stupidly early with the sound of monks singing and then clicked my hostel is attached to a cathedral, phew I didn't accidentally join a nunnery. I go and visit some hot springs in Coconuco about an hour away. Once I arrive by bus in the village you have to get on a mototaxi to get there. Or otherwise known as sitting on a motorbike with some random bloke, no helmets and him checking his texts. I probably should have been more scared but it was so much fun and I felt pretty damn cool. I arrived in one piece and I see a sign saying you're not allowed to have err relations in the springs. But you can rent out cabins by the hour. Oh dear god. Have I entered some sort of 50 shades territory?!? Luckily the place was empty apart from a few other travellers I chatted to and despite stinking of egg was relaxing. It's a hard life being unemployed don't y'know. 

Día veintiuno, Popayan to Pasto 

Another fun bus journey. The roads were windy, full of potholes and the driver drove like a maniac. He drove so fast and overtook everyone including at blind corners until we reached a toll point and all the cars we almost died overtaking are right behind us anyway. Ah the adventure! 

Día veintidos, Laguna de la Cocha 

Apparently there's a pretty lake to see near Pasto, But I got to the lake, it's chucking it down and I saw diddly squat. I meet these Colombian women and next thing I'm getting in a boat to an island in the middle of the lake with them. Let's hope they're not kidnapping me as I actually have nowhere to go if so unless I suddenly become a mermaid. On the island it's basically a forest/jungle and a great view of err cloud. I ended up going for lunch with them which was hilarious, only one could speak a bit of English in her late 30s (guessing!) and then her friend and her mum. Her mum complained it was too cold and got the bloke to erect a FIRE next to us in the restaurant. She had serious standards and brazenly went into the kitchen to make sure it was clean and the fish was fresh, I'm sure if my Scottish grandma had been Colombian she'd have done this. This was my last day in Colombia as tomorrow I'm attempting to cross the border so it was a perfect end to my trip to spend the day with Colombians (who also insisted on paying for the boat trip) and were so kind to me despite me being a total stranger and my embarrassing Espanõl. 

As I haven't mentioned it yet the drug scene is obviously still huge in Colombia and worryingly evidenced by so many people in cities doing/selling coke (don't worry mam I didn't go near it!) but generally local communities it's frowned upon to go near drugs (even weed). Colombian people want to move forward and not have their country be or be seen as dangerous and drug laden. Already in 20 years it seems to have done a huge turnaround and hopefully the future will only improve for this beautiful country. 

So there you have it my Colombian experience summed up, would encourage anyone to visit here. Next stop border crossing to Ecuador and the Galápagos Islands eek! Wish me luck x

Travelling yagh

I've done some bits and bobs of travelling over the years, and the majority of people I meet and befriend are lovely and so interesting. I'm often in awe of people I meet who come from all over, fascinating jobs, backgrounds, intelligent and/or just hilarious. There are others who fall into some stereotype traveller categories which I'm going to go over in this blog so not my usual diary entry style. I'll call it a feature blog! You may have come across a combination of a few if you're really lucky...

The one upper

We all know this type of person in life. No matter what you've done this person can top you. You may have conquered Everest but this person has also done it blindfolded with the flu in half the time. 

The Christopher Columbus

Apparently this person has discovered something off the beaten track that NOONE else has done and won't stop banging on about it. 

 "Oh yeah the Inca trail crap is crap compared to this blah trail where we wandered for days alone to this [insert cool sounding place], and saw this rare species and slept outside under the stars" 

You're pretty sure you heard about this trail in the Lonely Planet and they've probably done an expensive tour but you let them have their moment. Which nicely leads me to...

The moment killer 

When you've done or seen something really cool and are feeling pretty chuffed and some divvy pisses on your parade. 

You, "Ah isn't this view incredible" 

Them, "Yeah but you obviously haven't been to [insert place that isn't on your itinerary or anywhere near], that's sooooo much better than here." Ooft. Cheers for that. 

The plastics

These are the Mean Girls of the travelling world. They exist in various guises but their key characteristic is they travel and stick in packs and make zero effort with you, unless of course you happen to be male. They often wear teeny impractical clothes regardless of the weather and then complain when they get blisters/wet/cold. 

Male readers you will have no clue who is in this category is as you'll be too busy thinking how cool they are or checking out their boobs/legs/bum. I once saw a lass in the hostel wear a net top and her bikini underneath was so small her nipple had fallen out. I was going to tell her but wasn't actually sure if that was the look she was going for as her mates said nothing. 

The clone  

This person has done exactly the same thing as you and you tell them that but they proceed to describe to you a detailed account of their activity. And not in a way that they want your opinion or recognise that you were also there. This can even be at the same event, "at one point they did this dance/scored a goal and it was sooo awesome"  And you're sat there thinking, umm yeah I was there. Does this person think I shut my eyes and ears? 

The hippy

The classic traveller. Rags on their head, maybe some tattoos, an unusual hairstyle of some sort; dreads on white people, maybe a rat's tail or the most recent trendy style the top knot. Lots of beads, bracelets and general crap that's probably made in China. If you go into you hostel dorm room and see bongos or a didgeridoo you've hit the jackpot of the classic hippy. You know they come from a middle class family and are probably rebelling. These people are usually harmless (unless play said random instrument in your room) and keep the local tye-dye shop in business so all good. 

The interviewee

We're may be guilty of this from time to time but this is the extreme form. This is the person who you'll ask a few questions and they'll give you their life story but ask you sweet f a about what you've been up to or where you're from or well anything, so you feel like you're just interviewing them. They also crop up at work, those people who you ask about their weekend and they give you an hour by hour account including their washing and ironing and don't ask how yours was and in your head you're thinking of saying, "Mine was good too, thanks for asking!!" But in reality you smile and say something really polite. And bitch about them later obviously. 

The party starters

No matter where they are in the world these people will find a party or just start their own. Bigger numbers of them mean mob mentality and they party even harder. They live in a different time zone and sleep in the day. They often see nothing of where they are for days until they feel a sense of guilt that they should do something touristy. I found many of these people in hostels in Oz (mainly Brits and Irish) but they exist everywhere from every country. When you want a bloody good night they're your best mate. When you want a night in you need to avoid them or be prepared to be persuaded to get on it and pay the price the next day.

The dementor 

They refuse to go in a dorm room, they won't eat the local food, won't get on a local bus and just generally whinge constantly. We all have our bad days but when it's relentless they are like the dementors out of Harry Potter and suck the energy and soul out of other people. 

The wannabe nomad

These travellers think they know it all and go on about how they've been travelling for ages but it's about 3 months. Yeah that's cool, but it's not that long. These guys try far too hard to enjoy their experience and tell you how spiritual and ethical they are (and blatantly work for Coca-Cola back home). I met a guy who told me he'd been travelling for 17 weeks. WEEKS. The only people who should talk in weeks if it's over 8 weeks, are pregnant women. Even then it's a struggle working out how preggo they are. He said "It's just easier than doing the math than 4 and 2 7ths of a month"... Yeah dude, rad. Orrr you can just say about 4 months as no one actually cares to the nth degree how long you've been travelling for apart from your mum. 

The nomad

This person has rarely held down a job for more than 6 months in their life and seems to have spent a decent chunk of their life travelling. Ba*****s. If you're unlucky they'll lord it over and be really annoying. Usually though these people are enthusiastic gems and will give you loads of advice and tips from how and where you can save money, avoid trouble and go somewhere brilliant. Most people travelling have a set time and a budget and can't possibly see everything. These people can be hugely helpful in helping you decide where to skip and what not to miss without breaking the bank. 

The eternal optimist

I'll happily admit I'm a realist like many Brits and will admit if I'm underwhelmed or just disappointed by something. So these people both can piss me off and can be uplifting depending on my mood. For example I thought Bogotá was a dump and felt unsafe there, the optimist will tell you it's edgy! When you've had enough of crap busses and cold showers the optimist will tell you it's an adventure!! Whilst these people drive me mad they're also bloody brilliant at lifting you up and reminding you to see the good in things. You didn't work your arse off and save money to sit around moaning so enjoy the sights, adventures and have a laugh at the crap times, besides it makes for a good story and blog material ;-) 

Hola Caribbean coast

Día nueve, Santa Marta 

To reach the coast I did a 14 hour overnight bus from San Gil to Santa Marta which had wifi the whole way. (Take note Richard Branson if he's reading this sort your Virgin trains out) I bought a huge burrito to eat on the bus which was daft as they're the messiest food ever and nigh on impossible to eat one without eating paper and tinfoil in the process. I arrived at my hostel, Drop Bear, which used to be a Colombian drug cartel HQ so it's a mansion, has a phallic shaped pool, a bar and they found caletas (hiding places) for stashing cash all over it. Pablo Escobar is known to have been here using this place as a hiding spot which is an eery thought. 

The town itself is nowt to rave about, busy, loads of markets and rubbish on the streets. I decide to explore and go to the local beach Rodadero, it's overcast but still hot. So the usual jump on a bus and see where the hell it takes me, I made it! Trip Advisor tells me it's a dive though I thought it was fine, not many tourists but lots of locals. The sand was so fine though and I somehow got it ALL over me including my face and couldn't get it off?!! I had no idea how everyone else looked so cool and I'm a pale sweaty sandy mess. 

That night I chilled at the hostel bar and played giant Jenga where each block has a dare/rule on which was a good laugh. And I was very thankful I didn't have to fondle the resident dog's giant balls. 

Día diez, Parque de Nacional de Tayrona

The main reason people to come to Santa Marta is for a base to go to Tayrona national park about an hour away. It's huge and the highest coastal mountain range in the world. Most people kip over on one of the beaches but I don't want to do that on my own so cram it into a day trip. I hop on a local bus (ahem bus pro). When I arrived there's a lot of faffing watching mandatory pointless videos and queuing for tickets. Then you get in another minivan to reach the start and I saw this huge black bird with a blue beak! Once I'm finally there, the walk is mainly forest like but pretty easy, I wore my running gear which worked perfectly as opposed to some other ladies who wore flip flops or err wedges. To do a hike?! The first beach I got to is pretty, it's empty as you can't swim in it as the sea is so dangerous. The next La Piscina is nice too, white sand and nice warm sea you can swim in so I have a little sunbathe and swim Oo err! Then I walked to the next beach Cabo which is where all the camping sites are, this part of the hike was full of horses carting people (wedges lady included) and stuff around. It ponged with horse poo. I looped back and by the time I got back to the start, about 4.15pm lots of bus drivers are trying to flog me pricy shuttles to Santa Marta. But I'm thinking Pah! I'm not even that tired, so decide I'll just walk the route back to the entrance and get the local bus, it wasn't that far. I think. Maybe. 

So off I trot on a huge open road. It went on FOREVER. I didn't see any more of those stupid ostrich birds (actual name blue-billed carrasows) but I did hear growling from the trees from monkeys which made me get a sweat on. As I kept walking on the other side of the road was a dog manically barking next to a lone motorbike. And dog lovers going "Ah he just wanted to play!" did he my arse. As I walked past it ran over to me barking, going berserk and it had a fat chain on it which was attached to NOTHING and I s*** a brick. I thought this is it, it's going be like that scene in Django Unchained where that guy is mauled to death by dogs. I legged it and it went more crazy, I then calmed it to a powerwalk and it ran back to the motorbike. After this traumatic experience I bolted it back (a mean feat in a strapless bikini) as I needed to make it back before the park shut at 5pm. A lot of adrenaline and a gallon of sweat later I made it to the main road. 

I couldn't get on a local bus as they were rammed so hailed down a big bus to drop me there for a good deal. Here's me thinking I can relax and a preacher talked/shouted non-stop the whole way, "Gloria a dios!" (Glory to God) and I weirdly found myself clapping along and putting my arms in the air when everyone else did, when in Rome and all that. They chucked me off at the edge of Santa Marta and I jumped on a local bus and made it back just before dark. Like Cinderella! Without, y'know, all the minor details. 

Día once, Santa Marta to Cartagena 

So my plan today was to go to Palomino, a remote beach place. But I woke up exhausted after yesterday's hike, covered in mossie bites and couldn't face the journey with my backpack which was two hours in the opposite direction from where I wanted to go next. I ended up getting a shuttle bus to Cartagena for a bargain which was dreamy, hassle free and air con. The route goes through Barranquilla which is apparently the most dangerous city in Colombia, it looks pretty shady. Weirdly both Shakira and Sofia Vergera, two of the most current famous Colombians are both from here?! I think they're from the middle class part. Still looks sketchy, huge iron gates and people guarding their places with baseball bats. Think I'll skip this one. When I arrive at Cartagena my bus drops me off in the street, I bumped into my mate Owen Pygram(!) with his girlf who tell me my hostel is ages from where the bus has dropped me. Oh. It's also BOILING here and it's 7pm. I eventually found my hostel and it's me and one old bloke. In the entire hostel. So even though I've paid already and no refund I decide to leave. Ballin' innit. (Ok it was 8 quid.) I went to another hostel Mamallena where he bus first dropped me doh and they had a bed, people and air con, nice one. I've actually been really sensible and not gone out alone at night in Colombia but this place is so touristy or should I say touristic... Sidepoint: In all my life I've NEVER heard this word and everyone keeps saying it here?! Turns out it is in the dictionary and yes my Cambridge degree is feeling like an utter waste of money.

Anyway so I have a gander, lots of gringo food - pizza, burgers you name it. The square is crazy busy with locals singing and chatting and just having a laugh. I found out it's a bank holiday the next day so no wonder they're getting on it. At the hostel I meet some interesting people including some lads from the Peace Corps (pronounced Core- did anyone else know it was spelt this way?!) teaching English in small villages in Colombia, the only volunteers in their villages. So admirable but no chance would I do that. I couldn't even last one night in a hostel on my todd. Plus my Spanish needs some polishing up before I start teaching, ahem.

Día doce, Cartagena 

Today is about wandering the city, it's empty as all the locals are at the beach, it's SO hot here I may melt at any point. I met a cool Canadian girl, Lotoya Jackson (who is no relation to Michael Jackson sos) and I gatecrash part of the free walking tour of city. Cartagena has a walled city (13km long) in which the buildings have to be either colonial or republican to fit in with the style of the town which works especially as they rely on so much tourism here. In fact it's the most touristy or touristic(!) place in Colombia I've been to as it's a major port to South America so lots of the cruise ships stop here so it's not just backpackers. Still it's not the safest and I've heard plenty of stories including dodgy police robbing people so I won't be letting my guard down. An Aussie lad Billy I met in San Gil saw my Instagram photos and found me in my hostel (my fans just won't leave me alone) and me, Billy and his mate went to watch the sunset on the city wall. Didn't take a photo (we've all seen a sunset before) but it was pretty beautiful. We also saw some newlyweds and the bloke tried to pick his (rather small) wife up for a photo and couldn't lift her an inch off the ground and I had to run away and wet myself laughing for a fair bit. A bunch of us went out in the evening and after wandering the quiet town we came back to find the busiest bar to be the one next to our hostel. Well that's convenient!

Día trece, Playa Blanca 

So I wasn't hungover not that it mattered as it was beach day! Playa Blanca is the nice beach here but it's a mish to get to. Luckily I make some fwends and we bosh it in a taxi to the beach. The days before we'd heard it was heaving because of the bank hol weekend but as it was a Tuesday it was pretty empty, hurrah! The sea was so clear and warm it was lovely especially as it was roasting here. People say you get harassed with people selling you stuff but it was fine, once you said no they went away. Apart from a guy selling beer who genuinely just sat his coolbox (chilli bin/esky/cooler for my international fans) next to us as we bought up his beer supply. I also had a delish meal here, 3 quid for a giant fresh fish, rice, salad and plantain, they love plantain here usually fried. With the sun and SPF 30 I promise I was hoping I may improve on the milky white tone to a honey tone.. But of course my shoulders, back and chest went a shade of lobster and got the most burnt I have IN MY LIFE. I was pretty jeal of Lotoya who said she went from milk chocolate to 85% cocoa. In 35 degree heat that night my body felt ON FIRE. Even some delightful boxed wine didn't help. Luckily I managed to get a cheap flight to my next stop so I've got a 45min flight not a 14 hour bus journey, hell yes. So I'm saying turrah to the Caribbean coast, I've had a good time but I'm keen to get out of this crazy hot/humid climate. My somewhat optimistic hopes were to leave bronzed but in reality I'm bitten and burnt alive. On the up I wasn't eaten alive by a dog. Ciao! 

Santander and some bus fun

Diá quatro, Bogotá to Bucaramanga 

¡Buenos dias! I'm up bright and early for my bus. I don't want to brag but I'm a bit of a bus pro after lots of them in Argentina and megabuses to Glasgow.

The bus is pretty nice, air con coach and comfy seats. This is where I was lulled or quite frankly conned into a false sense of security. This is how my journey roughly went... 

7.30am Woohoo I'm leaving Bogotá.

8.30am Wow there's so many hills this is so pretty - Struggles trying to take photo on 70mph bus. 

9am Yawn, I'll have a snooze - Gets out inflatable pillow, earplugs, eyemask (ahem bus pro)

10.15am Wakes up head smashing against the window. Cloth bag with picnic in (bus PRO) on the other side of the bus.

10.16am Lean over to get said bag, a sharp turn and comedically fall into the aisle and shout an expletive. 

10.17am Woah the scenery is stunning but the roads are so windy and this bus is going fast. 

10.18am Ugh I feel queasy, think I'll put my eye mask back on. 

10.30am I'm gonna be sick. I'm gonna be sick. Don't be sick.

10.50am So. Many. Turns. May be sick any moment. 

11.30am I AM GOING TO VOMIT EVERYWHERE. 

11.30am - 5pm repeat above 3 entries. 

By the time I got to my hostel I was a  mess, luckily I didn't throw up though a girl near me did. What made it more annoying was I didn't want to go to Bucaramanga - I wanted to go to San Gil, but the receptionist at my last hostel told me I couldn't go straight there I had to go to Buca then back. A total lie as my bus stopped loads including San Gil, he'd probably drop me off in Rio if I'd asked. It was the equivalent of telling someone if they wanted to go from London to Manchester they needed to stop off in Edinburgh first. Ooft. My hostel was pretty empty and I had a 6 person dorm to myself so at least got some rest. 

Diá cinco, Bucaramanga 

So the only thing I wanted to do here was go to Chicamocha canyon and of course it's closed for maintenance. I'm beginning to think people are just winding me up, how can you close a canyon?! Most advice isn't to stop in Buca (what the cool kids call it) as nowt much there but I actually liked it after Bogotá, far nicer/safer/greener/hotter/smaller. But I didn't want to hang out in a city so the hostel lady said to go to La Careja, some little mountain walk... Slight sweat on as it's not in the Lonely Planet! Rebel innit. It took me forever to find the local bus as I'd be daft to think there was a bus stop. There's no stops, you just tell the driver when you want to get off. Hmm. The route was spectacular, so green and high, my ears popped lots. I missed my stop but luckily only by a few so just waited until it turned round. I was expecting lots of tourists. I came across nada. The route was paved and I started storming up it until I realised the altitude was pretty high and made me feel dizzy so I took it a bit slower, and took in the view. It was INSANE. The best way I can describe it was like that scene in Jurassic Park where they arrive in the helicopter in awe... Without the dinosaurs obvs. It was a sea of rolling hills and mountains for miles with odd houses scattered. For the first time on my trip I thought, I cannot believe I'm here.... and not in a terrified way! 

As I waited on the road for the bus back, one came past, earlier than the guy had said but he stopped for me, "Para Bucaramanga?" "Si" So I jump on and then noticed the bus had 5 people on and the rest of the bus behind us (about 10 rows) was full to the ceiling of potatoes. For the next half an hour he we pick no one else up and it suddenly hits me. "Oh. Bollocks. Have I accidentally hitch hiked in a potato van?!" The way back he dropped off several huge bags of potatoes to some villages. When I got off with a few other teenagers I offered him 3000 pesos and he gave me back 1000, the way there was 4000 so I saved myself 2000 pesos and more importantly I RODE A POTATO BUS. Hell yeah. That's about 60p by the way, hey every penny counts and all that. 

Back at the hostel I meet a few nice people but this place is way to hippy/cool for me. Y'know people wearing rags round their heads and those huge baggy trousers/skirts that aren't flattering anyone. One bloke had half a beard- one half of his face was clean shaven and the other a big bushy beard. Watch out  Shoreditch, I've seen it here first!

Día seis, Buca to San Gil

Time to go to San Gil where I wanted to go in the flipping first place. So I get on the 6.30am bus/coach. And how this happened I don't know (bear in mind it's part of the same vom-inducing route here) I got cosy and woke up at 9.30am and of course I've missed my stop. Gaghh. After I flapped about, the bus driver basically told me to chill and at the next bus station in Socorro (15 miles/20k away) he got off and spoke to a few people (lots of ah gringo aka this British lass is a moron) and before I know it I'm on a bus back to San Gil and I don't have to pay anymore. Brillo pad! So my stupidity resulted in some Colombian kindness. That was the plan all along btw. 

San Gil is a nice little town where you can do lots of adventure sports and a few other things. After my hectic morning I decide to go and see a waterfall. I manage to get a local bus and, get this, get off at the right stop! The hike is pretty easy, a very pretty cobbled path and you guessed it beautiful scenery. There are also lots of weird and wonderful insects including some huge beetles here that apparently you can eat though I'll wait until I see them in a cafe before I start thinking I'm on "I'm a Celeb". The waterfall itself is nothing amazing but pretty and the water is so shallow you can walk through the river and I clambered around the rocks for some pictures. 

At the hostel, I meet lots of people hurrah! Well I say people, it was a sausage fest, me and 10 boys. Most from English speaking countries- Oz, America, UK.. All a good laugh so we all stayed up drinking beers and chatting. 

Día siete, San Gil/Curití

So I did want to go to Chicamocha canyon today but no one else was going there and the main thing to do was a cable car, well I can get on one of them in Saltburn ta (in north east England  if that reference means nothing). So I figured I'd do the adrenaline junkie thing and gatecrashed plans of two lads in my room, Sam and Lucas. 

I first went paragliding, it all happened so quickly that we got off the bus and next thing they're strapping me in and I'm up in air. I could see loads of tobacco and coffee fields and the Chicamocha canyon too as well as eagles flying about. The guy asked if I wanted to loop around, why not! Cue lots of screaming and laughing. The bloke got out his phone and checked his texts mid air (comforting) and took some selfies as you do. The lads said they could hear me scream lots and my face was sheer terror when we set off. What a shame there were no photos. We were all buzzing afterwards it was so much fun. 

Next stop, caving. I've done this before in NZ but this was different. There was only us 3 and together we vaguely managed to decipher some of what he was saying. The caves were really cool, lots of bats and huge stalactites. We got very wet and dirty slathering around on our arms in the water and I may have bricked it when it was so low we had to go underwater. To be fair it was 3 seconds, I survived. I felt like Lara Croft! Except without the huge boobs and I looked like a drowned rat by the time it was over. 

That night a bunch of us went to Gringo Mike's, if the name isn't a giveaway, it's a restaurant ran by a guy from Seattle, the food was delicious but epic portions, I couldn't even eat it all which is a rarity. 

Día ocho, San Gil y Barichara

Today a group of the lads are off on some hardcore canyoning thing, the Aussies are chilling after their 48 hour bender (impressive I know) so I go to Barichara, a local colonial village which was beautiful but so quiet it was almost eery. The streets were all cobbled and so clean and the houses all orange. It was quite hilly which led to some good photo ops and at the top the views from the other side of the valleys were breathtaking. I was a sweaty mess though it was so hot. 

At the hostel lots of us are leaving onto our next adventure, most notable is a lad Cory who is soon sailing on a boat with family friends from Hawaii to Fiji (25 days open water eek) and the Aussies who are off on a sailing adventure through the Caribbean, clearly they haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean. A lot of chaos as just before our various busses there's a power cut and it chucks it down. Made it to my overnight bus though, and I'm off to the Caribbean coast, where the heat I'm told may kill me (I'm still white as a ghost btw). Wish me luck!

Bog-oh-tar

¡Hola! So I'm in Colombia. In case you didn't know I got made redundant at the end of April and having known about it for a while, my plan was to come to South America for a month or so before the job hunt starts. I am pretty nervous to be honest, not that I'm not a strong independent woman (insert Destiny's Child hand wave here) but it's not the safest place to be alone. I promise I will stay safe and not do anything too daft. Lots of my mates/family said I must write a blog again. NO PRESSURE! So here I go.

Diá uno, London to Bogotá

Well my flight was meh, long and I have a cold and cough. Films were crap- do not watch Foxcatchers- even with several wrestling scenes and a topless Channing Tatum it's so dull.

Despite proclaiming I'd learn some Español next time I was in South America, I am ashamed to say I haven't. I downloaded an audio book by Michel Thomas to learn the basics that I left until the flight to try. It seems good though the phrases seem bizarrely aggressive- "I need this, I want that, It's urgent why can't I have it"... So basically I'm all set up to barter with drug lords, brilliant. 

I arrived in Bogotá airport (which is pronounced Bog-oh-tar not Bo-go-ta as I've been saying it doh.) I got a licensed taxi for a good price after a few drivers tried to swindle me and my hostel is lovely, phew. The area it's in is really nice too, y'know stuff that everyone really needs... cool bars, sushi restaurants, Pilates studios and of course a pottery painting shop. If it was in the UK there'd be a little Waitrose and an Oliver Bonas. 

I've since discovered I paid the cheapest taxi from the airport to the hostel from everyone I've met - high 5 emoticon!! My tactical tip if you happen to visit Bogotá airport get out the exact cash and suggest that at the end rather than ask how much.*

*Disclaimer- I accept no responsibility if this results in kidnapping. 

Día dos, Bogotá

So I managed to get about 3 hours kip thanks to my cough. A bloke from reception CAME INTO our room at 2am turned the light on and told me to keep it down?!! He even did the Ross from Friends hand shushing!!!! (A hand duck open beak going to an almost closed beak for non-Friends fans, though why we're friends I'm not sure). Yeah because it's MY fault I am choking to death on my own flem (sos for tmi). Fortunately, or unfortunately as it turned out I followed the Election to pass time. A Tory majority? I mean. Really? Really?!! Ok I'll stop. 

Anyway, Colooombia. 

So in the hostel everyone is insanely friendly. I met a nice Brazilian girl in the loos for a minute and next she's asking me to dinner. Fast work. I was thinking I must be dead friendly looking because everyone wants to hang out together after 10 words of small talk. That is until I venture out on my own and discover Bogotá is well, mental. It's no frigging wonder they all want to hold hands together. 

For a start, it's enormous. The main transport system is the TransMilenio which is essentially their tube/subway except it's giant buses. If you're looking for a thrill ride and potentially a concussion you've come to the right place. The buses have their own lanes so they drive fast and brake sharply. It took me an age to find the station then of course I went the wrong route as it's the most confusing thing ever. Three buses, an hour and half later and feeling like I'd just been on Oblivion at Alton Towers without a seatbelt, I made it to Central Bogotá. 

Bogotá is nowhere like I've been before. It's really busy and chaotic or "bustling and vibrant" as the books describe it. It's a huge grid with hardly any green space apart from a huge sea of hills to the East (Monserrate) which are stunning. I wandered around Candelaria where the tourist attractions were and err this is awkward, but I thought it was a dump. Most of the statues and historical buildings were covered in graffiti which was a shame. Boliviar square was crammed FULL of pigeons, it made Trafalgar Square look like the Hilton of the pigeon world and they came to here to die. (I did actually see dead pigeons).

I made it to an art museum, Museo Boteró, which was to my surprise, beautiful. Inside the artwork was cool (lots of chubby things by Fernando Boteró funny enough) and the building and gardens were so pretty. There were lots of security guards and tourists (as I couldn't see any tourists in town!) and I felt relaxed here. After that I went to another good museum, Museo del Oro, full of metals, mainly gold that dated back thousands of years.

Back at the hostel I make some more travelling fwends - a British bloke Andy and two Brazilians Ana (my loo buddy) and Luiz. Andy is a doctor and got bumped up to business class on the way as a bloke got ill and he stepped in and the pilot asked him if they should land the plane?! I cannot imagine being asked that ha. Ana is obvs ridiculously beautiful and gets all dolled up. I stupidly only brought a mascara for make up and have been smothering my face in Vaseline as it's so chapped from blowing my nose. Sexy. I attempt to look human and we went out locally and had delicious bife de lomo and cervesas (steak and beers, I'm all over this). Hurrah, I recovered my day. 

Diá tres, Bogotá

I feel raring to go after sleeping lots yay. I back on the TransMilenio and I've got this shizzle down, the right bus route, two hands on poles and some core strength and I made it to the right stop quickly with no injuries. It was still a decent way to walk to where I wanted to go - Monserrate (hills I was on about), and pretty ropey. They don't seem to care about pedestrian safety here and just walk in front of cars willy nilly so I decided when in Rome and all that, don't want to stand out like a tourist. So I may lose a limb in an accident but I'm sure I've lowered my risk of a mugging. So I made it to the base of Monserrate, knackered as the route was uphill and feeling very headachey with the altitude. I had to stop off at the Esso garage for emergency bickies en route. Pretty cultural me. Our mam carries round "emergency biscuits" and I've asked her what situation she would ever be in to need a biscuit urgently - she can't have a cuppa tea without a snack apparently. And now I'm eating my words as I've now got emergency biscuits and crackers in my rucksack.

I couldn't walk up Monseratte as the path was closed (boo) so I got the cable car up. At the top the view of the city is so vast, but I actually preferred the view from the city looking at Monseratte. It's so green and beautiful flowers everywhere, apparently it's a populist pilgrim destination. It was pretty quiet for a Saturday though, sounds w***y but I found it very peaceful compared to Bogotá which feels exhausting. 

Whilst the people in my hostel were so friendly and a right laugh, despite my shocking lack of Spanish and being a germ fest, I've had enough of Bogotá. I'm not a fan and it can Bog off- see what I did there tee hee- as I'm heading north for some countryside! Night in for me as I prepare for my 8 hour bus trip. If there's no bingo I'm kicking off. Adios :) 

Here's some of my Instagram pictures if you haven't seen them already - mostly of the touristy stuff as I didn't feel safe getting my iPhone out in the ropey places in Bogotá. (@sophiebennett1)